I was talking with a wise friend last week. She's one of those people who quietly goes about her business and one day you talk with her and figure out that she's actually the wisest person you've ever known. 

I was saying to her that I'm considering taking a step backwards, giving up on the current experiment and just going back home, get physically close to family, thinking that maybe working as a coach, having a little less stressful a career, maybe potlucking with the old aunts and a house with windows on all 4 sides for the cats would be a life I now want. I'd risk letting people down or being seen as weak but that maybe I am and that's okay.

Key words in that explanation: giving up, backwards, less stressful, family, letting people down, weak. If I was coaching myself, I would ask what the hell I mean by going backwards and how is looking for a less stressful job going backwards? weak? giving up?

In continuing to talk with this woman, I found one thing she said really struck me.  

Life is not a straight line. It doesn't start on a chart where the X and Y axis meet and then go on an upward tilt until we die.

Life is a lot more flexible than that, if we let it be.

Life may start anywhere - let's say the corner of X and Y. And it continues. We do age, we do gain and lose weight, we get grey hair and we wear lower stiletto heels as the years go. These things are measurable on that upward or downward tilt.

At some point, though, life on the whole begins to bend a little. We decide to change or stop our jobs to have families, to travel, to follow a spouse, to address medical issues...we buy bigger houses and then buy smaller houses with one floor simply out of practicality. We crave independence and to get away from home and try something new, meet new people, find new places to hang out, learn new things.

Sometimes that continues. Sometimes that changes. Sometimes, at some point, we crave something other than total independence and showing other people what we can achieve.  In my case, I crave a change. No doubt brought on by the total shock of the last few months in terms of my career, but definitely not the one and only time I've had thoughts of looking for something else. Going backwards.

Going backwards - it's more like going around...like bending that otherwise straight-arrow trajectory of life and career.  Hey, that's not going backwards. That's being flexible...and maybe responsive...and maybe even, to use coaching lingo...showing some morality and some conscience work on my spiritual aspect of myself to improve my trust in me and my ability to keep myself safe in a time of transition - this safety may very well be needing me to trust my feelings and my instinct that this current way is not my way anymore. It was and it was great and it made me into a great employee, a great leader (I believe!) and a great person. But to be the best person I can be, I  have to stop listening to all the noise about that straight-arrow trajectory and that any direction other than an upward slant is failure and going backward and giving up.

FLEXIBILITY. Like a fishing rod, maybe. I'll never be 1 year old living off of mashed peas ever again. But I can be 40 years old looking for a change that may take me to somewhere I've been before. Somewhere safe. Somewhere I can be kind to myself, where I can slow down and focus on my new priorities - not the same priorities as many people have but they're mine. Somewhere I can breathe and feel at home. 
All parts  of me taken into account, considered and cared for.


Somewhere with windows on all 4 sides of the house.

Have you ever done an Enneagram test? You've done the "Which Muppet am I" and "What's your superhero name" I'll bet....the Enneagram is interesting, and used in coaching practices as a way to look at a person and their personal 'way of being' in a topic.  (to try a free test: www.enneagraminstitute.com is an excellent source).

My type is the Loyalist with a wing of a Defender.  Now, THAT is a superhero name:  The Loyalist Defender! I'd wear a giant A for Anxiety and I'd strike fear into villains with my panic attacks and list of anxieties! Also I'd try very hard to explain to them why rules and principles and 'fairness' works, and why if they'd just go back to school and get an honest, secure job they would see that being a villain is not what they really want to be, it won't bring them a solid future or predictability! I'd also ask if they ever have imaginary conversations to run their evil plans past their moms, friends, cousins, teachers, neighbours, garbagemen, etc., to predict reactions? They really should hire a trainer and read some healthy cooking magazines, because they should be able to outrun me....And as I arrest them and send them to jail I'd worry I'd overreacted, possibly have another panic attack, definitely lose sleep and forget to iron my super-cape for the next day. Oh, man! I'm going to fail all because of my own actions!

Whew. That's exhausting.

I'd learn of course that not everyone has that little imaginary committee to react to future plans, or need established external security systems so that they can make it through a day without a full on axiety episode.

What's your biggest fear? Do you even know what it is? I don't think I did until I started to look at these Enneagram types, study Integral Coaching methods and talk to people who are different than me, including clients who also wonder why they are the way they are. "Why do I like to help other people and give advice but I don't trust anyone to give me advice?" "Why do I appreciate compliments about my cooking but not about my body or my appearance?" "Why am I always so cheerful for everyone? I'm a cheerleader - except in some areas of my own life...?"

I can assure you you're not alon in those questions. I can assure you I have my own questions - man, I can be the Loyalist Defender! but I will still lose sleep about things at the end of the day.

The great news is that 1. you're normal! and 2. if you're struggling, there is help. Coaching is one option that could help.  If you're interested in finding out more, please send me a message through this site - it's confidential, and I'm the only one who reads the messages. I will always reply.

Now you'll excuse me, the Loyalist Defender! has some worrying to do.

We all have a 'place' that makes us happy. For some people it may be a metaphorical place - as I get older I see more and more that putting myself in old memories, bringing myself back, that can be a happy place. "Quiet" can be a happy place for some people. "Family dinner" might be a happy place.

Think about it. Where is your happy place? Close your eyes and picture it. Feel it.  Smell the smells and listen to the noises, or lack of noises.

I have a happy place. For me it's not a metaphor, it's literally a place on a map. I'll describe the experience - my body automatically knows where to go, never lost, never confused, never disappointed.  It smells like humid air, sometimes if the wind is right, you can smell pee on some corners (Hey, I never said a happy place had to be perfect). People hold the door open for each other and say please and thanks, tip their servers well, talk to strangers, say 'mornin'' to everyone, give out innocent compliments openly, talk about baseball....they eat cheese like it was health food, drink cheap beer and everywhere - EVERYWHERE - serves barbeque food year round.

Music is loud, and good, and fun. Every age parties together, dances together and no one cares what you're wearing or what brand of sunglasses you wear.  So long as you applaud and tip randomly, you're part of the in-crowd.  You can also melt into the wallpaper (which is usually old records) and just sit with a bottle of water and your own thoughts if that works better.

Free buses take you all over the city. There are CLEAN PUBLIC BATHROOMS. And anyway, no one charges you a coffee to use a bathroom. I know, right? Crazy.

When it rains, everyone buys silly looking ponchos made of cheap garbage bags and wears them as they shop and eat and drink and listen to music.

I go there, physically and in my imagination, when things get really rough at work or other parts of life. When worries hit me, I find a song to play loudly that reminds me of happy times...

If I asked my mom where her happy place is, she'd probably say at home in our town with any or all of her kids and her grandkid around her. Or maybe it's the fun in getting a new puzzle book. 

My friend J might say the library, anywhere there are books. Another friend would probably say at home in her comfy bed.

I have some friends and clients who don't really know. One person might say that her happy place isn't happy so much as it's convenient. Another person could give all kinds of random places but when poked, may be unable to really explain what 'happy' means to him.  Ever met anyone who just knows his/her happiness just HAS to be contained in the perceived societal expectations of being married and having kids, or in having a high paying job, or a giant house, or being thinner and losing the grey hair or being taller, famous, more 'beautiful' or whatever....but can't figure out why that hasn't worked out for him/her? Yeah, many of us have been there or know someone who is there.

That happy place, I think, is where those perceived expectations disappear. Where we aren't judged for being not as smart, wealthy, thin or tall as others, where we can be ourselves completely. Where our opinions, while maybe debated, are respected. Where a crazy-hair day is actually just as good a hair-day as yesterday.

Anyway, that's what a happy place is to me.  What is it to you?

So I talk a lot about these people who are 'unimportant' in a technical, logical day-by-day way. These are the people who are not our friends, who don't care about us, and who really have no impact on us as human beings.

Two weeks ago I sat in an office to a senior person telling me how the work I do and the values I hold as a manager, as a coach of my colleague managers, doesn't matter. My ongoing work to help managers learn to better engage their people, build relationships and loyalty and share respect - I watched this person tell me that what I do is not helpful, has nothing to do with helping people, that in having mandatory meetings and 'rigour' around meetings, this is what is important...and if only I believed in people as she does.........ummmm.....??

I left that office knowing what had to be done. I had to make a decision. Can I continue to work with someone who cares so little about me, about my values, who claims to know me and my motives better than I know me and my motives?

I walked back to a little office I had taken over, and sat down. I wrote the most painful email I've ever written, to the managers in the department, stepping down from representing them. Then I crashed. Total meltdown. I couldn't figure out what the hell the problem was - this is me, I know this person is not at all important to me, this person doesn't matter to my reputation and has no impact on those who ARE important to me.....what is happening?

It took the caveman of my senior advisor to tell me to call my doctor and take a  leave of absence to make me think about what was really going on....was I really giving this person all this power over me and my feelings and my career? Was I really believing what she was saying? Has she become THAT important to me??

No. Nope. Not at all. After a lot of sleep and reflection I figured out that it's this thing that makes me not able to understand some people anymore...something that's changed as I got older....

It's this total disconnection in principles. values. 

I have strong principles, strong values. At work, I believe in the strength of good, experienced people in doing their work and in needing some coaching, in many cases and in other cases, just discussion or venting, or training if that's what's needed. In many cases, it's employees who need to be reminded that they're super important to the success of the team, of me in fact, and that their ongoing learning and support make my work easier, my day better and my work life way more fun....that in fact, in developing trust-relationships with people at work, and luckily for me everyone on my team in fact, we all feel better about our day and we all do better in our work....I believe in being GOOD to people - to meeting people where they are and walking with them toward a common goal...I believe in BELIEVING in people - in their humour, their solid values, their love of their own families and their own wellbeing.....and that any part I can play in supporting them, well I'm a lucky, lucky lady to get that chance.

For an hour, I forgot this stuff. I didn't forget my principles - this is ingrained - however, I forgot that people who know me, they KNOW this stuff about me. And those who matter - the IMPORTANT people - share those values. 

My emotions took hold and I lost perspective.

However I was hit over the head by one person who said to me "I will drag you by your hairs (sic) if you don't call your doctor right now."

At the time I didn't see what was going on . But at this point, I can look in from outside and tell it like it is.

In another kind of language, in the language of coaching really, this person was saying to me "I care about you because you care about us, and I see where you are and you need someone to meet you there. Let's find that person."

Possibly because otherwise I'd still be locked in that little room, but more likely because he was right, I called and I found that person who met me where I was at, who supported me in figuring out what I needed....not this person who was questioning my values and my principles= and in fact telling me I am not actually living those principes, wondering why this other person couldn't see that she was dead-wrong....this person, and the people who really are important to me, they see it - without me prompting, these people reiterated on their own our shared principles, values...

I was reminded once again how important coaching is. I didn't have a formal coach in this last few weeks. Technically no 'professional' was talking with me daily about how to get through this time, ways to cope and recover. But everyone, everyone important in my life added daily wisdom and in a way, MET ME WHERE I AM to help me move forward.

One of my friends, he said " as a coach, what kind of program would you set out for yourself?"

I came home and after one more day of good, solid crying and feeling guilty for leaving my team behind in a toxic place, I started to build my own coaching program. I am solid. I am stronger. And I will come back more principled than ever. Step by step. I will not break, I will be Carter3.0...watch me. Moving from the principled evergreen tree to the confident tabby cat...

Yet again I am amazed at the power of Integral Coaching techniques. I am not sure I believe in miracles, but I believe in coaching.

So I'm talking to some people at work, and one higher-level, self-proclaimed (though there's no evidence) leader asks who wants to move 'up the ladder' and be a 'leader' one day. Some folks nod, one says how he's already moving up and will one day be the most senior. I said simply that I hoped to be able, one day, to devote my life full time (not just part-time as I do right now) to helping people through life coaching.

You'd think I'd thrown a stink-bomb into the group. Some awkward silence, one high-five, and this senior, self-proclaimed 'leader' says "You aren't ambitious. That's too bad. You should get some ambition."

So 'leader' means 'makes more money than the non-leaders' and 'ambition' means 'wants to make more money'.  To have ambition means I will be a leader, and to be a leader I need to be ambitious.

Not sure about you, but this word 'leader' has become a characteristic attributed to people because of rank. To me, to be a leader is a quality - a great quality - that not just anyone has. I actually take offense when people defer to a 'leader' because of their rank. It makes me laugh often, because what is a leader?  You have to search long and hard on the Internet to find a definition that does not start with "A person or thing that holds a dominant or superior position within its field, and is able to exercise a high degree of control or influence" (businessdictionary, Websters dictionary, and so on). Eventually you'll find one that talks to a person's influence to get people excited, to get people together and working toward a goal, inspiring people to work harder on whatever is important to them at that time.

But that leader who doesn't have a superior position, who doesn't have 'control'...this leader doesn't have ambition, according to this senior person and many articles I have read in the last few years. This leader is soft, isn't aiming up and ensuring that those around him/her are working toward the goal of making money, doing what they're told, being controlled.

This type of leader is helping people find their own goals, which in the end will work to benefit more broadly the world around these people, and inspiring people - not controlling people - to work toward a common goal. This isn't to say this leader doesn't wish to move up in their world, but this isn't what drives them. An honest leader that is driven to make things better, to help other people help themselves thereby helping the 'company' or their own environment -

YIKES WHAT THE HECK? Jen, are you crazy??

Yeah, in this day and age, we need to support our families/cats/friends/selves, we need to eat healthy and exercise and all that takes ambition. In this day and age, we're tired, we pay high taxes and the news is all negative and frustrating and sometimes my Internet service provider sucks.

So in this day and age, what we need is leadership! We need politicians and senior controllers who allow us to make money and give us opporunities to move up and give us portable computers, and - and allow us to get more tired, and lose time from our families, often become isolated, stressed, lose confidence and self-esteem. But boy-oh-boy, I have to show that leader that I am ambitious!!

Okay. I buy that. I'm tired, and overworked and I held a quiet celebration when my office cellphone gave up the ghost this morning, fighting the urge to do a jig while I stared at its blank black screen (I lost the fight, for the record, but it was less a jig and more a weird try-not-to-land-on-the-cats'-tail kinda near-accident). I've been ambitious. I've been ambitous to make my family proud, to be happy and to be comfortable, while trying to find a balance....totally unbalanced.....confidence shuts down, fear and stress take over, self-esteem drops, exhaustion....but I'm moving up the ladder...I'm a leader....I'm going to burn out before I'm 40 years old.

In talking to my dad during those burnout weeks, when I'd just call home and listen to my mom or dad breathe while I sat in silence, he said something so wise...."Jen, I had to work in that mine and make money so that I could feed my family. You don't need to prove anything. Don't work for the money, it isn't worth it." I knew that. But trying to reconcile that truth with the need to be ambitious....it doesn't work!

Until I snapped to it. That realization that ambition does not equal money. Money does not make me 'ambitous', 'successful' or - GASP - a leader.

My parents are leaders.

WHAT? you ask? Carter, you just said that ambition and money and leadership....gah! confused...okay, explain.

My parents showed me early in life and again when I needed it most, that what is important is (no specific order) 1. baseball (they'd deny this, but it's true) 2. family 3. education (not necessarily formal education, to be clear) 4. humour 5. country music (mom would deny this, but it's true), and if you have all of that, you are a success. Whether you are at the top of the skyscraper or 4000 feet underground.

And if you are a success, holy smokes, guess what?! You are ambitious! You were ambitious to be successful! And when you're successful, you know what comes next?

You inspire other people to become successful.

And THAT, my 3 readers, is how you become a leader.

NOT by being at the top of the skyscraper. That's how you become a boss. That's how you get more and more money. And if that is what makes you happy and successful, then yes, your ambition paid off. And if you are genuinely happy, you can inspire others to be their best, to succeed in their way. And then you are, also, a leader.

Not just because you tell the minions that you're a leader. That just makes you a braggart and kind of a jackass. People may follow you - out of fear, want of money and status - but this will not in itself make you or them better people, harder workers, more proud people, more confidence people.

After this 'leader' told me about my lack of ambition for not wanting to move up the corporate ladder and maybe not being too concerned with salary and status, I replied again. My reply was this: "When I tell a random casual colleague that I'm into coaching, and their reply is "Oh! You're so good at that kind of thing!" THAT makes me ambitious. Ambitious to be the best coach I can be, to inspire other people to be their best. That makes me better too. I'm just differently ambitious."

Tonight I'm going to hug my cats and read a book and laugh my way to sleep. Cheers.

 

The other evening I was confronted by a person who, after all of 8 days of knowing me peripherally and through a couple of emails, told me he knows me, he knows who I am, he knows I'm wonderful but thinks I don't let people in, I don't hug enough, I don't love enough, that I have a history that makes me into who I am and I shouldn't let that happen.

My first instinct was to get defensive, then go on the offensive and start telling him where to go. I wanted to yell that he knows nothing, that he judges and makes calls based on his own personal views, wants and needs, and that hey, what makes me who I am is exactly perfectly what makes me who I am.

Instead, I had this thought running like mad through my mind - this person, who prides himself on being in touch with people, with being a 'deep' person, in touch with feelings, etc., this person doesn't have a clue where to start in relating to, at least, me. Does this translate to his relationships with other people? I wonder.

I decided to tell him off. Hey, I am confident in being myself and "what you see is what you get" with me, so why change in front of someone who falsely believes he knows anything about me? I let him have it. Then had a club soda, went home and went to bed. Slept like a rock!

The next day I talked to a couple of my people about what he said, along with a friend/fellow coach.  They were shocked and totally verified that my perception of reality is accurate and his is based on knowing very little, and not asking any questions....straight up, he judged me based on a couple of stories from my past experiences (if this were an accurate way to judge people, imagine - some people would think I was a scared woman, afraid of my own shadow....others, a boring, anti-party, GPA-focused overachiever).

This got me thinking about two things: 1. no one asks questions anymore and 2. how do we get to know who's important to us?

Been out on a date lately? Holy smokes. I have been accused of being nosy because, after 30 minutes of no conversation, I ask a question about my date and he gets either insulted or answers exactly that question, then back to silence. It's a funny lost-art. Like this person I was talking with, I go out with a man who decides whether to go out with me again or not, based on what he sees and what I manage to say about myself without any prompting. Which isn't much because frankly, if he isn't curious, I have no interest in sharing any information. I have better things to do and better people to see. But the perception is still important. This person I talked to truly believes that I should hug more in order for my friends to find me open.  I do hug. I hug friends. I don't hug relative strangers I've known peripherally for 8 days. That's me. If that makes me cold fish well, okay, that's fine. I think that's fair?

Who do I hug? People who are important to me. When I let this guy have it for his ridiculous and uninformed and rude presumptions, I said this:  Those who are important to me are the only ones who may have opinions about me and my ability to love and to provide friendship. Those who are important to me have experienced the open nature that I have, the love that I have and yes, sometimes, the hugs. 

Begs the questions...how do I figure out who's important to me? I have written this paragraph 9 times...but here's the basic conclusion for me - those who are important to me are those people who consider me important to them.  It's a chicken-and-egg situation.  My parents are important to me - they know me, I am important to them.  My staff at work are important to me - I am important to them.  My friends are important to me, as I am important to them. The random person who comes to training I provide, they see me as important to them - they are important to me. Coaching clients, very important to me and I strive to be important to them.

Think about this the next time some presumptuous fool says something about you, makes a comment or a judgement based on very little or things taken out of context or on their own preconceptions - is that person important to you?

Probably not.

If they were important to you, you'd be important to them and they would never ever say something hurtful or rude or make a judgement like that. Someone who's important to you, and you to them, would ask you a question, show concern, laugh at your jokes and listen to things you say, without judgement. Without fear. With compassion and love and purity of thought. 

These other people? They're not un-important; of course not, everyone is important to someone, and someone to them. Just not to you. Not to me. The ones important to me, and I to them, ask questions like "How are you doing, really?" " Can I help you?" "What is really going on?" and show concern with words like "You look exhausted, Jen, just rest your head on my shoulder."

Don't rest your head on the shoulder of just anyone. If they don't know you well, they will have bony shoulders that cause you headache and strain in your neck.  Find those of mutual love and importance and rest your head on their shoulders - the calm and relaxation will bring you peace and comfort like you've never felt. Then ask if you can offer your shoulder in return. Enjoy feeling important, they sure do.

I allowed my cat to have a say on this blog, and she came up with the second half of that title.  Somehow makes total sense. Wisdom of the fluffy critters.

But I do have it all figured out! Eat, play, sleep, purr.  Translates, if memory serves, direct from the feline to English - eat, exercise, sleep and sing loudly in the shower.

Wait! There's more!

Once in a while, for a reason or for no reason, run like a bat out of hell around your house, stopping in random rooms for effect.  If you're a cat.

If you're a human try this - think of one scary thing - one fear - every now and then and run toward it, stop and enjoy it for effect. Some ideas popping randomly into my head:

- try a chin up! (I recommend stopping and enjoying this only once you're safely dangling with straight arms again....but that's just me...)
- eat an artichoke! Peel it well, or buy the North American version, soaked in a bottle.
- ask someone for help. This is scary to many!
- try some random recipe with pumpkin as an ingredient. You'll be surprised. 
- speak to someone at the bus stop. Just try it. They may look at you strangely and hold their purses closer than usual, but just smile!
- ask someone you love what you can do for them to make them laugh. That someone may be yourself.
- listen to a type of music you doesn't like. Full blast. Try to find the beauty in it. I tried techno lastnight.
- commit to make a change to better your world. This can be a chin up. It may be a commitment to feel better about yourself. It may be to never listen to techno music again. It may be a commitment to find a new career, try a new type of class or skill.

It's what makes YOUR world better. You're only in the world once, why spend it afraid? 

Listen to the wisdom of the cats.   As WaylonCat just typed, x?""""""""""""ews. Run fast, run hard, have fun in that other random room. Soak it in. Then run back as fast as you can and take that nap.

I've been hearing this a lot lately, motivating by fear is effective - fear your boss, you will be motivated to do better work. Fear an illness, you will start exercising and eating better. You will succeed if you are afraid!

Surely this works. My mother had a massive heart attack when I was 19 years old.  Fear with a capital-F.  For years after this, while my mom courageously changed her lifestyle, I became more and more fearful of death.  I was 19. Healthy. Fearful of death. Did this motivate me? Yes, my goodness yes. I found new types of exercise I enjoyed, changed the way I ate, discovered clean eating and a love of cooking healthy food. I started reading on health and heart disease, and getting check-ups annually.  I un-discovered muffins and my essay-writing staple of tortilla chips and diet cola. Fear motivated me to get healthy. Reminded myself daily that if I ate that muffin, I might have a heart attack. FEAR.

I entered graduate school and my stress increased. Money became a major stress for me for the first time in my life. Looking for a job, moving to Ottawa, looking for an apartment - more stress and more fear of messing it all up. Buying a house, breaking up with a boyfriend.....But this time, fear didn't make me better or stronger or smarter or motivated to do something - fear was Ex.Haust.Ing.  Fear of not succeeding, of failure, of looking bad to my parents, of disappointing people and myself. This time, fear did not motivate. I found myself sometimes unable to get out of bed. And when I did, and when I'd see others succeeding where I was fearful of taking action, I became sad and angry at myself. I started trying to scare myself into action.

My biggest fear became the one thing I should have been motivated to see succeed - myself! My own inner self scared me into a pattern of ducking and hiding. Avoiding people for fear of showing them the 'real' me, the fearful me. The one who would say things to my own self, to motivate my own self through fear and threat.  "Oh, Jen, you made a mistake at work. How embarassing," I'd tell myself repeatedly, "You are going to fail and everyone will laugh at you and you'll never get a career and you'll be alone forever because you are a failure and people will see that."  Fearing your own voice in your own head.

Ever fear yourself? Not a great motivator - or should I say, it's a great de-motivator.  Was I motivated to succeed? No way. Was I motivated to get up and go for a jog? Not a chance. I was fearful. But there was no pay-off. Nothing to aim for - just fear. 

I'm talking about that inside fear that you use to make yourself NOT do something. To de-motivate yourself.  That voice that says "I'm afraid of being a failure at lifting weights, so I won't go to the gym. I'm afraid of sounding stupid so I won't ask the nutritionist or my family doctor for advice on weight loss/headaches/insomnia. I'm afraid of asking my boss for a day off because she'll be disappointed in me. I'm afraid to wear that pink dress that I love because people will look at me and that scares me."  That inner fear that makes you not want to make a change, not want to address an issue and how you feel in that issue. The fear that makes you want to duck and hide.

When do we stop being fearful? Only when we face head-on the fear, the self that is feeding that fear. And we just decide to stop it.

Fear is a funny thing. It's said that fear motivates. It also allows us to duck and hide from  our lives, from our beliefs, our families, our favourite pink dresses and favourite silly ties. 

Not sure about you, I think I'm going to stop scaring myself and just let myself to be. Knowing how great things are when I stop allowing myself to be fearful, I'm motivated to do all kinds of awesome. 

You are too.

Talking to a colleague last week. She was talking about how she was so pleased because she has her three 'parts' almost lined up - she goes to the gym regularly, so the physical 'part' is taken care of - CHECK!  She has become involved in yoga - mental 'part' CHECK! But she struggles with this spiritual 'part' as it JUST.  WON'T. LINE-UP. Frustrating. Did I have any advice?

This was so fascinating to me. I started to think about all these ways we figure we have "parts" and how one "part" could be in good shape but the other parts, or one of the other parts, isn't quite lined up so we don't feel 'complete'.  Some alternative therapists talk about aligning a certain part of our being to make us complete. Sometimes it's like a crutch - I'm not ready to do "x" because "y" part of me isn't aligned. I'm not comfortable. I feel weird in my own skin. I need to get that 'part' in line with the rest of me.

Honestly. Spirituality has always been a question mark for me. I've struggled with religion. I studied religion and anyone who's studied religion knows those questions that come up and the answers that often just don't come. During my training as an Integral Associate Coach, I wondered if I'd be an epic failure because of my inability to just name a religion I followed (for the record, in all of my studies, I concluded that the core belief of pretty much every religion or belief system is that people should love other people, and this is a lifestyle not a religion). I mean, if I can't name the 'source', how can I say this is an important part of the integral individual?

Talking to this colleague was eye-opening. I had the chance to ask her questions about this 'part' that wasn't 'satisfied'. Why is it separate from the physical and the mental 'parts' (and why are these the only 3 parts of her)? Like me, she sees things in a check-list - as I say above, I can't name a 'source' therefore I'm a failure. But can she, like me, see the value in taking a few minutes and looking inside - "Ho yes," as my friend SS would say - I'm talking about merging the mental and the physical and seeing how the inside feels about the spiritual 'part', about this need to feel that she's not alone in the world? What was she drawn to, and what drew her to that thing? In and amongst apologies for splattering salad dressing everwhere...

After a long amazing chat (possibly annoying for her, I blame my training!!!), I had so much in my head it was really swirling, I was so excited to think!  Do I have a separate spiritual part? Do I now understand its importance? Am I maybe not an epic failure? Is this some message from above?

It was not a message from above -the only "message" from above was the bird poop that landed on my head shortly after lunch - it was a thought from inside of my own spiritual 'part' - the 'part' I swore didn't exist and couldn't battle its skepticism and logic. For the first time in months, maybe nearly a year, I made myself leave the office (Jen, Lunch, and Cubicle are a well known threesome) in bad weather to go to lunch with someone who made me really and truly think, challenged this 'lack of spiritual 'part'' of me.

I realized I am not without a spiritual 'part'  - I am a whole person, I have this 'spiritual part'. I was so damn focused on finding a name for it, punishing myself for shutting the door, for being too analytical, for needing to GET THIS SPIRITUAL 'PART' LABELED so I could move on. 

These thoughts drove me batty for the rest of the day (next time, this colleague is sooo buying wine)! I realized my checklist, my 'three parts' as she saw them - are not separate parts after all.

My physical 'part' is lined- up - I am fit, I am healthy - CHECK!

My mental 'part' is lined-up - I read, I like to talk to people, my job is challenging. CHECK!

My spiritual 'part' remains unnamed. But it comes in the way of inspiration, of feeling the need to motivate and build esteem and make people laugh even when I want to cry. It comes from hugging my silly old cats, and giving a toy to a friend's child and not wiping my forehead while a Blue Jays pitcher is warming up in the bullpen (bad luck, you know!), from truly and deeply loving my brother and my sister and my niece and my parents so much it hurts - THIS is my spiritual side. This is where my power comes from. This is the basis of the other 'parts' being lined-up. I am mentally and physically a-okay because I'm spiritually a-okay. 

My three parts? All one part. One really cool part.

 

So coaching, to me, used to be this fuzzy-made up kind of thing that rich people need to make decisions on their own. Then there's the other ones, the ones that cheer on people who need exactly that, a cheerleader.

One day I, the a very vocal skeptic, took a coaching course. Just a quick one, an introductory course, and my mind opened a little.  Finding new tools to help my staff and my friends and myself to make it through some of the crazy times was a great discovery. Everything looked up.

Then I burned out. At 36 years old I completely burned out. I spent much of the work day fighting tears, my blood pressure suddenly was dangerously high, debilitating migraines coming on every couple of days. I could not make it through a full work week, surely could not sleep more than 2 hours a night.  I told my boss that I needed some time, and I went up to Elliot Lake, Ontario, to see my parents, ever the stable energies in my life, and I'm lucky to have them as my life's GPS.

My mom said to me at one point "We think you should come to Elliot Lake. We'll help with your mortgage and bills for a couple of months. Bring the cats here and just relax for a couple of months."

Perhaps it was the threat of having to move back north, or perhaps it was some other trigger that was pulled at that moment, but something said to me at that moment that my job wasn't to burn out and waste away, it was to come back strong and try to make things better and more positive for my staff and my colleagues. I started to look at training options. One of the ideas that came up was Integral Coaching Canada's Associate Coach Certification. I signed up on a whim and had no idea what I was getting into.

After several full time,  hour training days, plus apprenticeships with two clients, and more training days in addition to work with my own coach, I learned that coaching is another resource in leading my life as a whole person, mind, body, spirit; friends, family, community; me with myself and for myself, and for others.  I started to feel changes in the things that, for 38 years, have been in the driver's seat - troubled self esteem, low self-confidence, staggered creativity, stalled spiritualism...I've learned that there are so many cool things about that driver but that maybe, by asking that driver to sit in the passenger seat for the next half of the trip, I can live a more fulfilled life. And now. Not in my next life (so to speak!).

Contact me today and we'll chat. Something you thought was 'who you are' may just be ready for a break.