The other evening I was confronted by a person who, after all of 8 days of knowing me peripherally and through a couple of emails, told me he knows me, he knows who I am, he knows I'm wonderful but thinks I don't let people in, I don't hug enough, I don't love enough, that I have a history that makes me into who I am and I shouldn't let that happen.

My first instinct was to get defensive, then go on the offensive and start telling him where to go. I wanted to yell that he knows nothing, that he judges and makes calls based on his own personal views, wants and needs, and that hey, what makes me who I am is exactly perfectly what makes me who I am.

Instead, I had this thought running like mad through my mind - this person, who prides himself on being in touch with people, with being a 'deep' person, in touch with feelings, etc., this person doesn't have a clue where to start in relating to, at least, me. Does this translate to his relationships with other people? I wonder.

I decided to tell him off. Hey, I am confident in being myself and "what you see is what you get" with me, so why change in front of someone who falsely believes he knows anything about me? I let him have it. Then had a club soda, went home and went to bed. Slept like a rock!

The next day I talked to a couple of my people about what he said, along with a friend/fellow coach.  They were shocked and totally verified that my perception of reality is accurate and his is based on knowing very little, and not asking any questions....straight up, he judged me based on a couple of stories from my past experiences (if this were an accurate way to judge people, imagine - some people would think I was a scared woman, afraid of my own shadow....others, a boring, anti-party, GPA-focused overachiever).

This got me thinking about two things: 1. no one asks questions anymore and 2. how do we get to know who's important to us?

Been out on a date lately? Holy smokes. I have been accused of being nosy because, after 30 minutes of no conversation, I ask a question about my date and he gets either insulted or answers exactly that question, then back to silence. It's a funny lost-art. Like this person I was talking with, I go out with a man who decides whether to go out with me again or not, based on what he sees and what I manage to say about myself without any prompting. Which isn't much because frankly, if he isn't curious, I have no interest in sharing any information. I have better things to do and better people to see. But the perception is still important. This person I talked to truly believes that I should hug more in order for my friends to find me open.  I do hug. I hug friends. I don't hug relative strangers I've known peripherally for 8 days. That's me. If that makes me cold fish well, okay, that's fine. I think that's fair?

Who do I hug? People who are important to me. When I let this guy have it for his ridiculous and uninformed and rude presumptions, I said this:  Those who are important to me are the only ones who may have opinions about me and my ability to love and to provide friendship. Those who are important to me have experienced the open nature that I have, the love that I have and yes, sometimes, the hugs. 

Begs the questions...how do I figure out who's important to me? I have written this paragraph 9 times...but here's the basic conclusion for me - those who are important to me are those people who consider me important to them.  It's a chicken-and-egg situation.  My parents are important to me - they know me, I am important to them.  My staff at work are important to me - I am important to them.  My friends are important to me, as I am important to them. The random person who comes to training I provide, they see me as important to them - they are important to me. Coaching clients, very important to me and I strive to be important to them.

Think about this the next time some presumptuous fool says something about you, makes a comment or a judgement based on very little or things taken out of context or on their own preconceptions - is that person important to you?

Probably not.

If they were important to you, you'd be important to them and they would never ever say something hurtful or rude or make a judgement like that. Someone who's important to you, and you to them, would ask you a question, show concern, laugh at your jokes and listen to things you say, without judgement. Without fear. With compassion and love and purity of thought. 

These other people? They're not un-important; of course not, everyone is important to someone, and someone to them. Just not to you. Not to me. The ones important to me, and I to them, ask questions like "How are you doing, really?" " Can I help you?" "What is really going on?" and show concern with words like "You look exhausted, Jen, just rest your head on my shoulder."

Don't rest your head on the shoulder of just anyone. If they don't know you well, they will have bony shoulders that cause you headache and strain in your neck.  Find those of mutual love and importance and rest your head on their shoulders - the calm and relaxation will bring you peace and comfort like you've never felt. Then ask if you can offer your shoulder in return. Enjoy feeling important, they sure do.

I allowed my cat to have a say on this blog, and she came up with the second half of that title.  Somehow makes total sense. Wisdom of the fluffy critters.

But I do have it all figured out! Eat, play, sleep, purr.  Translates, if memory serves, direct from the feline to English - eat, exercise, sleep and sing loudly in the shower.

Wait! There's more!

Once in a while, for a reason or for no reason, run like a bat out of hell around your house, stopping in random rooms for effect.  If you're a cat.

If you're a human try this - think of one scary thing - one fear - every now and then and run toward it, stop and enjoy it for effect. Some ideas popping randomly into my head:

- try a chin up! (I recommend stopping and enjoying this only once you're safely dangling with straight arms again....but that's just me...)
- eat an artichoke! Peel it well, or buy the North American version, soaked in a bottle.
- ask someone for help. This is scary to many!
- try some random recipe with pumpkin as an ingredient. You'll be surprised. 
- speak to someone at the bus stop. Just try it. They may look at you strangely and hold their purses closer than usual, but just smile!
- ask someone you love what you can do for them to make them laugh. That someone may be yourself.
- listen to a type of music you doesn't like. Full blast. Try to find the beauty in it. I tried techno lastnight.
- commit to make a change to better your world. This can be a chin up. It may be a commitment to feel better about yourself. It may be to never listen to techno music again. It may be a commitment to find a new career, try a new type of class or skill.

It's what makes YOUR world better. You're only in the world once, why spend it afraid? 

Listen to the wisdom of the cats.   As WaylonCat just typed, x?""""""""""""ews. Run fast, run hard, have fun in that other random room. Soak it in. Then run back as fast as you can and take that nap.

I've been hearing this a lot lately, motivating by fear is effective - fear your boss, you will be motivated to do better work. Fear an illness, you will start exercising and eating better. You will succeed if you are afraid!

Surely this works. My mother had a massive heart attack when I was 19 years old.  Fear with a capital-F.  For years after this, while my mom courageously changed her lifestyle, I became more and more fearful of death.  I was 19. Healthy. Fearful of death. Did this motivate me? Yes, my goodness yes. I found new types of exercise I enjoyed, changed the way I ate, discovered clean eating and a love of cooking healthy food. I started reading on health and heart disease, and getting check-ups annually.  I un-discovered muffins and my essay-writing staple of tortilla chips and diet cola. Fear motivated me to get healthy. Reminded myself daily that if I ate that muffin, I might have a heart attack. FEAR.

I entered graduate school and my stress increased. Money became a major stress for me for the first time in my life. Looking for a job, moving to Ottawa, looking for an apartment - more stress and more fear of messing it all up. Buying a house, breaking up with a boyfriend.....But this time, fear didn't make me better or stronger or smarter or motivated to do something - fear was Ex.Haust.Ing.  Fear of not succeeding, of failure, of looking bad to my parents, of disappointing people and myself. This time, fear did not motivate. I found myself sometimes unable to get out of bed. And when I did, and when I'd see others succeeding where I was fearful of taking action, I became sad and angry at myself. I started trying to scare myself into action.

My biggest fear became the one thing I should have been motivated to see succeed - myself! My own inner self scared me into a pattern of ducking and hiding. Avoiding people for fear of showing them the 'real' me, the fearful me. The one who would say things to my own self, to motivate my own self through fear and threat.  "Oh, Jen, you made a mistake at work. How embarassing," I'd tell myself repeatedly, "You are going to fail and everyone will laugh at you and you'll never get a career and you'll be alone forever because you are a failure and people will see that."  Fearing your own voice in your own head.

Ever fear yourself? Not a great motivator - or should I say, it's a great de-motivator.  Was I motivated to succeed? No way. Was I motivated to get up and go for a jog? Not a chance. I was fearful. But there was no pay-off. Nothing to aim for - just fear. 

I'm talking about that inside fear that you use to make yourself NOT do something. To de-motivate yourself.  That voice that says "I'm afraid of being a failure at lifting weights, so I won't go to the gym. I'm afraid of sounding stupid so I won't ask the nutritionist or my family doctor for advice on weight loss/headaches/insomnia. I'm afraid of asking my boss for a day off because she'll be disappointed in me. I'm afraid to wear that pink dress that I love because people will look at me and that scares me."  That inner fear that makes you not want to make a change, not want to address an issue and how you feel in that issue. The fear that makes you want to duck and hide.

When do we stop being fearful? Only when we face head-on the fear, the self that is feeding that fear. And we just decide to stop it.

Fear is a funny thing. It's said that fear motivates. It also allows us to duck and hide from  our lives, from our beliefs, our families, our favourite pink dresses and favourite silly ties. 

Not sure about you, I think I'm going to stop scaring myself and just let myself to be. Knowing how great things are when I stop allowing myself to be fearful, I'm motivated to do all kinds of awesome. 

You are too.

Talking to a colleague last week. She was talking about how she was so pleased because she has her three 'parts' almost lined up - she goes to the gym regularly, so the physical 'part' is taken care of - CHECK!  She has become involved in yoga - mental 'part' CHECK! But she struggles with this spiritual 'part' as it JUST.  WON'T. LINE-UP. Frustrating. Did I have any advice?

This was so fascinating to me. I started to think about all these ways we figure we have "parts" and how one "part" could be in good shape but the other parts, or one of the other parts, isn't quite lined up so we don't feel 'complete'.  Some alternative therapists talk about aligning a certain part of our being to make us complete. Sometimes it's like a crutch - I'm not ready to do "x" because "y" part of me isn't aligned. I'm not comfortable. I feel weird in my own skin. I need to get that 'part' in line with the rest of me.

Honestly. Spirituality has always been a question mark for me. I've struggled with religion. I studied religion and anyone who's studied religion knows those questions that come up and the answers that often just don't come. During my training as an Integral Associate Coach, I wondered if I'd be an epic failure because of my inability to just name a religion I followed (for the record, in all of my studies, I concluded that the core belief of pretty much every religion or belief system is that people should love other people, and this is a lifestyle not a religion). I mean, if I can't name the 'source', how can I say this is an important part of the integral individual?

Talking to this colleague was eye-opening. I had the chance to ask her questions about this 'part' that wasn't 'satisfied'. Why is it separate from the physical and the mental 'parts' (and why are these the only 3 parts of her)? Like me, she sees things in a check-list - as I say above, I can't name a 'source' therefore I'm a failure. But can she, like me, see the value in taking a few minutes and looking inside - "Ho yes," as my friend SS would say - I'm talking about merging the mental and the physical and seeing how the inside feels about the spiritual 'part', about this need to feel that she's not alone in the world? What was she drawn to, and what drew her to that thing? In and amongst apologies for splattering salad dressing everwhere...

After a long amazing chat (possibly annoying for her, I blame my training!!!), I had so much in my head it was really swirling, I was so excited to think!  Do I have a separate spiritual part? Do I now understand its importance? Am I maybe not an epic failure? Is this some message from above?

It was not a message from above -the only "message" from above was the bird poop that landed on my head shortly after lunch - it was a thought from inside of my own spiritual 'part' - the 'part' I swore didn't exist and couldn't battle its skepticism and logic. For the first time in months, maybe nearly a year, I made myself leave the office (Jen, Lunch, and Cubicle are a well known threesome) in bad weather to go to lunch with someone who made me really and truly think, challenged this 'lack of spiritual 'part'' of me.

I realized I am not without a spiritual 'part'  - I am a whole person, I have this 'spiritual part'. I was so damn focused on finding a name for it, punishing myself for shutting the door, for being too analytical, for needing to GET THIS SPIRITUAL 'PART' LABELED so I could move on. 

These thoughts drove me batty for the rest of the day (next time, this colleague is sooo buying wine)! I realized my checklist, my 'three parts' as she saw them - are not separate parts after all.

My physical 'part' is lined- up - I am fit, I am healthy - CHECK!

My mental 'part' is lined-up - I read, I like to talk to people, my job is challenging. CHECK!

My spiritual 'part' remains unnamed. But it comes in the way of inspiration, of feeling the need to motivate and build esteem and make people laugh even when I want to cry. It comes from hugging my silly old cats, and giving a toy to a friend's child and not wiping my forehead while a Blue Jays pitcher is warming up in the bullpen (bad luck, you know!), from truly and deeply loving my brother and my sister and my niece and my parents so much it hurts - THIS is my spiritual side. This is where my power comes from. This is the basis of the other 'parts' being lined-up. I am mentally and physically a-okay because I'm spiritually a-okay. 

My three parts? All one part. One really cool part.

 

So coaching, to me, used to be this fuzzy-made up kind of thing that rich people need to make decisions on their own. Then there's the other ones, the ones that cheer on people who need exactly that, a cheerleader.

One day I, the a very vocal skeptic, took a coaching course. Just a quick one, an introductory course, and my mind opened a little.  Finding new tools to help my staff and my friends and myself to make it through some of the crazy times was a great discovery. Everything looked up.

Then I burned out. At 36 years old I completely burned out. I spent much of the work day fighting tears, my blood pressure suddenly was dangerously high, debilitating migraines coming on every couple of days. I could not make it through a full work week, surely could not sleep more than 2 hours a night.  I told my boss that I needed some time, and I went up to Elliot Lake, Ontario, to see my parents, ever the stable energies in my life, and I'm lucky to have them as my life's GPS.

My mom said to me at one point "We think you should come to Elliot Lake. We'll help with your mortgage and bills for a couple of months. Bring the cats here and just relax for a couple of months."

Perhaps it was the threat of having to move back north, or perhaps it was some other trigger that was pulled at that moment, but something said to me at that moment that my job wasn't to burn out and waste away, it was to come back strong and try to make things better and more positive for my staff and my colleagues. I started to look at training options. One of the ideas that came up was Integral Coaching Canada's Associate Coach Certification. I signed up on a whim and had no idea what I was getting into.

After several full time,  hour training days, plus apprenticeships with two clients, and more training days in addition to work with my own coach, I learned that coaching is another resource in leading my life as a whole person, mind, body, spirit; friends, family, community; me with myself and for myself, and for others.  I started to feel changes in the things that, for 38 years, have been in the driver's seat - troubled self esteem, low self-confidence, staggered creativity, stalled spiritualism...I've learned that there are so many cool things about that driver but that maybe, by asking that driver to sit in the passenger seat for the next half of the trip, I can live a more fulfilled life. And now. Not in my next life (so to speak!).

Contact me today and we'll chat. Something you thought was 'who you are' may just be ready for a break.